


It just doesn't work

by Vlad_the_Impala



Category: Ylvis
Genre: Brotherly Love, Gen, ma pantha anjana, norges herligste!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-24
Updated: 2013-12-24
Packaged: 2018-01-05 23:36:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1099887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vlad_the_Impala/pseuds/Vlad_the_Impala
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I guess Ma Pantha Anjana ep won't let me go until I write all the oneshots it inspired me to write - and this is the first. So this one is connected to Vegard's and my scepticism and many people's, including my biology teacher, stories about feeling terrible after such magicians dealing with warm hands and energies 'heal' them or 'clean' anything around them. I just needed to throw my thoughts out. Cheers!</p>
            </blockquote>





	It just doesn't work

It was getting dark and blue outside and the outlines of the objects were becoming blurrier and blurrier. Bård, leaned back in the passenger's seat, has waken up already, but he didn't really want to completely let go of sweet sleep just yet. They had to switch places with his brother very soon, Vegard needed a good rest - well, as good as it was possible in that van. But Bård needed a fresh head to drive on. And instead of immediately opening his eyes and stretching himself, he started watching Vegard from under his eyelids.

Vegard was focused on the road - a little bit too focused, but he was probably just tired already. Bård decided not to wait for much longer, after all he had mercy, but he had to admit driving Vegard was actually nice to watch. This was one of Bård's little pleasures he would never tell anyone about - watching his brother dissolve in the thing he was doing. Whatever it was.

Their working day for today was over and Bård recalled the 'herligste' of the day - they were all quite sweetly weird, he was used to it by now. But the warmest memory he kept was of the lady... how was her name again? Ma Pantha Anjana.

For some reason Bård was always sort of fascinated by people manipulating foreign energies, or however they called it. It all was magic to him. He probably kept that from his childhood, with other little things he carried with him, with favourite words, pet peeves and bad habits. Everything he didn't understand was magic. Everything that made his heart beat a little faster in excitement. It was all unearthly and mysterious, because he didn't quite understand how these things worked, and never really wanted to. He, albeit grown and serious, was fond of miracles. They gave his life the taste. This was where he was different from Vegard - his nerd of a brother was striving to understand how things worked, and it brought him as much pleasure.

And now they met My Pantha Anjana. Such a weird lady, if one was to think about it. Quite complicated in her own little world, in her own beliefs and mythology. This couldn't not be fascinating. Bård remembered her predictions, her warm hands and how he immediately felt refreshed and new after she 'cleansed' the unnecessary energies off of him...

A sudden sting of headache almost made him wince, but he was too warm and comfortable in this car seat – strangely enough – even to move his face muscles. This was rather weird. Usually headaches came and developed slowly, nesting in the back of his skull and slowly growing to overcome him. But this one was sudden.

_God, how sleep-deprived one can get..._

He tried to think more of Ma Pantha Anjana and her hands, of how funny and squeaky her voice was and how nice she was, really, but his train of thoughts quickly turned to Vegard. He shouldn’t have been so rude and openly sceptic, this for sure. Bård knew his brother well and was so used to him he was comfortable with him pretty much anywhere, but sometimes he still made him ashamed.  And, after all, her cards predicted them two a 'divorce'...

When he thought about it, the Tarot cards' prediction bugged him a little. His 'shining way' and Vegard's 'be quiet' were both a little bit weird at first. All because he didn't start seriously considering this possibility, but got rather lost and had to admit he clung to Vegard on camera. The thought of going alone seemed unreal at that time, and he immediately started joking around about it, trying it on and playing off as comfortable. But now that he got a calm minute, he admitted with a little inner smirk that the idea wasn't all that bad... to break free from his big brother and just go on without any boundaries. Vegard was a little bit of a voice of reason, of holding back. He was simply _the elder brother_. This was all it was. Bård smiled slightly, still watching Vegard carefully.

Surprisingly enough, his big brother hadn’t turned to check on him for quite a while now. Bård had watched him a plenty of times, and he would always cast him a glance every now and then: turn away from the road for a moment or look into the rear-view mirror. But he was checking on his little brother. Not that Bård particularly enjoyed being considered little, but it was so habitual and _Vegard_ that he didn’t feel quite right without it. He examined Vegard’s figure and noticed that he had leaned forward, looking somehow especially hard at the road, and his hands, usually easy on the steering, were white with effort.

It was weird. Bård understood he had to get up, but another sudden sting of headache echoed down to his entire body.

_Now what is this shit?_

Vegard leaned even lower, then suddenly turned the steering wheel sharply – Bård hit his head onto the window – and pulled off the road, stopping the van on the side of the highway. He straightened, eyes wide, and took a couple of deep breaths, and then just threw the door open and jumped out of the van and to the grassy roadside.

There was already no trace of sleep in Bård’s eyes. Vegard looked like he was having a fit or a heart attack of some sort, it was frightening. Without hesitation Bård threw his own door open and jumped out of the car and ran towards Vegard – he saw him, standing knee-deep in still goldish grass, arms wrapped around himself and eyes shut.

‘Vegard! Vegard, what’s wrong?!’

He grabbed Vegard’s shoulders, and felt it – Vegard’s entire body was shaking violently.

‘Vegard! God, look at me! _Look at me!!!_ ’

Vegard turned his head a little and looked at Bård, eyes square. He swallowed hard and took a shaky breath. He was still grasping at himself, as if trying to hold his own body together. Bård shook him hard.

‘Talk to me. What’s wrong, Vegard? Tell me what’s wrong!’

Vegard opened his mouth, but only a broken gasp and some weird sound escaped his throat. Bård shook him again, harder, desperate. What if something irreversible was to happen to his brother in the middle of the grassy void, beside the empty blue highway? The only thought about it made him shake even better than Vegard.

‘Talk to me, fucker!’

He immediately regretted the word straight from the bottom of his troubled heart. But it seemed to work. Vegard opened his mouth again, stooping lower.

‘Bård,’ he said in a low, unfamiliar voice. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong. Bård, I’m scared.’

He locked his eyes with Bård’s, but it took him a visible effort. Bård put his arm around his shoulders.

‘You now go with me back to the van and try to calm down. What the hell is going on?!’

‘I don’t … know,’ Vegard’s words were interrupted with a loud swallow. ‘I’ve been trying to calm down last… fuck-knows-how many minutes. I just felt if… I didn’t pull over, I would kill us both. Would… be a great loss, hm?’

He tried to smile, but it was crooked and weird. He started shaking even harder.

‘Let’s go,’ Bård said firmly. ‘Back to the van, why the hell did you think it was a good idea to jump out like this?!’

Vegard just shook his head and walked towards the van a little shakily, still holding himself with his both arms.

‘The hell do you hold your arms there for?’

He shook his head again. He took another couple of shaky steps and then turned and leaned back against the side of the passenger’s seat – the door were still wide open. He closed his eyes and breathed eagerly and shakily. It was a strange sight. Bård grabbed his shoulders and shook him again.

‘Stop with that shit. Tell me what’s wrong with you. Talk to me, Vegard, for fuck’s sake!’

‘I’m cold,’ Vegard managed. ‘I don’t know, Bård. I don’t know. I’m scared. Something is wrong. What is wrong, Bård?’

His voice was desperate. Bård held his head straight with his both hands so that it didn’t dangle from side to side.

‘Look at me. Keep looking at me. Keep talking. Knock that shit. Get your feet on the ground. What do you want now? Tell me, what do you want? Damn, fuck, I wanna help, but I don’t even know how! Vegard!’

Vegard looked at him once again.

‘Give me some water. Please. And… something… warm…’

Bård let go of him and Vegard tried to straighten, but his knees gave way and he just sank down to the grass, leaning forward helplessly. Bård was just about to drop on his knees in front of him when Vegard reassured hoarsely:

‘I’m gon’ be okay… please…’

Bård hurried towards the trunk and pranced back to Vegard, holding a bottle of water and his own warm coat.

‘Here. Here…’

He knelt down beside Vegard and opened a bottle for him, figuring those trembling hands wouldn’t be of much use. Vegard grasped at the bottle, almost splashing all the water around, and Bård had to help it up to Vegard’s mouth. As Vegard drank he let go and threw the coat over his shoulders.

‘Here. Here. Is this any better?’

Vegard put the bottle away, managing to screw the cap with great effort, - it rolled away a little, but neither of them cared, - and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

‘Bård,’ he seemed to be grasping at the name. ‘I figured… are you okay?’

Bård shook his head fiercely, annoyed with the fact that, being himself close to the condition of a puddle, the first thing Vegard cared about was him.

‘Pshaw! I’m okay.’

‘You look… pale…’

‘Who’s to say!’

Vegard took a breath and Bård had to shake him well again – just out of despair.

‘Vegard, get your shit together! What did you figure? Care for your motherfuckin’ self!’

Vegard nodded quickly.

‘Yeah, you’re right. Right, I… call mom and dad. Call Bjarte. Something is wrong, I… sense… probably. Something is wrong… I’m scared, Bård. That magician… Ma Pantha… she’s…’

Bård held an urge to slap him – this strange and unstable state was so un-Vegard he wanted to scream. He knew it wouldn’t help. Vegard needed his help. But _for fuck’s sake what now?_ A massive panic attack out of the blue?! He didn’t even know what one did with a panic attack!

He grabbed a phone from his pocket and winced with another sting of headache. It has become fierce and was eating his brain out. He dialled the number.

‘Hey mom? Is dad around?’

Vegard looked up at him again, leaning a little forward.

‘Are you both okay?’

‘Put it on speaker,’ Vegard pleaded hoarsely and Bård took a second to press the button.

‘…would you ask?’ was their mum’s voice out of the speaker.

‘Well, I just… wanted to know,’ Bård lied, swearing at himself mentally.

‘Oh right? Well, we’re all right. Just about making dinner now… dad is in the living room reading, should I call him to talk to you?’

Bård looked to Vegard.

‘Satisfied?’ he mouthed.

Vegard nodded quickly.

‘Eh… no, mom, really, don’t distract him,’ Bård announced cheerfully, forcing a smile to his face. ‘The good thing is that you’re alright… oh, Vegard’s calling. I gotta go. Take care!’

And he ended the call, swearing under his breath.

‘What will they think?!’

‘Bjarte now.’

Bård started looking for Bjarte’s number in his mobile phonebook, hurrying and pressing on the screen accidentally, which just made him even more desperate.

‘Bård.’

‘What?’

He didn’t even raise his head, hurrying to try and do something to calm Vegard down.

‘Can you please hug me?..’

This quiet request took Bård by surprise. He looked up to Vegard.

‘Huh?’

‘Please hug me,’ Vegard repeated. ‘If it’s okay.’

Oh God. He forgot. He absolutely forgot that whenever one of them felt bad the other was just about the very best medicine.

‘Oh God, sure…’

He leaned forward a little and drew Vegard in, adjusting his legs so that he could get as close to his brother as possible, press his entire body to his own, giving off his warmth.

‘Just a moment, there, there, I’m calling Bjarte…’

Vegard finally let go of himself and grasped at Bård for dear life. He was shaking, _his entire body was shaking_ , and his cheek against Bård’s neck was murderously cold.

‘My fuck, you’re freezing…’

He brought his phone to his ear so that it would be in between them.

‘Terrible.’

‘You bet… Bjarte?’

‘Hey!’ the cheerful voice of their little brother greeted. ‘Bård, this was unexpected! How are things?’

‘Fine, yeah, pretty much,’ Bård hurried. ‘Got a free second, you know. How’re yours?’

‘Excellent!’ Bjarte’s smile sounded in his voice. ‘Hey, now you get free seconds quite often!’ He kept on blabbering, Bård stopped listening quickly – he had heard from Bjarte just a little while ago, and all the news he had since then were more or less unimportant. But Vegard was listening quietly and carefully, and Bård kept the phone pressed in between them.

But if someone felt each other across kilometres of space and even through the phone, those were the brothers Ylvisåker. Bjarte trailed off and before Bård could collect himself and encourage him with a fake smile, his voice, a little offended, called:

'Hey! You're not listening!'

Bård cursed himself mentally.

'I am, I'm just attentive.'

'Off camera you're a shit actor,' Bjarte snorted. 'Do you think I don't know you? When you're attentive, you react. Why would you even call if you don't listen?'

'I do listen.'

'Repeat the last words I said.'

'She was so nice to me,' Vegard helped quietly.

'Vegard?!' Bjarte exclaimed. 'So you're there together? Hey, is this some kind of a prank, again?'

'No,' Bård hurried.

'Something is wrong, isn't it?' Bjarte asked after a little pause.

'No-no,' Bård began, but Vegard tapped his back slightly and rested his head on his shoulder.

'Tell him.'

'What do you guys have to tell me?' Worry sounded in Bjarte's voice.

'Uh... I don't know how to say it,' Bård confessed. 'It's actually ridiculous, probably.'

'Bård.'

His both brothers said his name with the same intonation when they were pressing. Bård sighed.

'Well, Vegard is having a panic attack and I don't know what to do. He told me to call you and mom and dad, so...'

'A panic attack? Vegard?' Bjarte scoffed. 'Impossible. It's something worse, Bård. He sounds dead, what are the symptoms?'

'He's trembling,' Bård glanced to Vegard and noticed his little nod. Vegard was still shaking against him, and Bård felt tight in the chest, useless, helpless and desperate. Vegard even had to ask him for a hug - _ask!_ He grasped at Bjarte's voice as one tying him to civilized world - here, beside the empty highway, it was easy to believe they were alone in the world. 'He's cold and trembling, basically that's all. He can hardly walk, but his hands work okay, I mean he can hold on. And he talks okay…ish. It looks like something like a panic attack, but it has absolutely no reason to it.'

'Tell him about Ma Pantha,' Vegard said qiuietly.

'About what?' Bjarte could still hear them both.

Bård sighed.

'Ma Pantha Anjana. A lady we met this morning. She was... well, I can call her a kind of a magician, some... energy practicer.'

'O-oh...'

A sting of headache pierced through his skull anew, but Bård collected himself.

'Yeah, and we talked to her a bunch and she used her energies to 'clean' me, and her warm hands, and she made us a couple of predictions... it felt good, I don't see how she can be to blame, Vegard says she is. I mean, you know the way Vegard is. He was openly sceptic.'

'How are _you_ feeling?'

'Okay,' Bård lied without hesitation. 'It's not me, it's Vegard.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes.'

' _Completely_ sure?'

Bjarte was determined – as stubborn as Vegard. Bård let out a sigh.

'Okay, I've got a headache. Satisfied? We're both terribly sleep-deprived, we live in a car, basically. What did you expect?'

'What if I say that Vegard is right?' Bjarte sounded surprisingly serious. Bård scoffed.

'Oh man! You can't be serious. Don't be Calle, it's not funny now. I have Vegard here, and he is shaking like a fucking washing machine. Knock it, for fuck's sake, Bjarte!'

'I'm dead serious,' Bjarte said calmly. 'Bård, it's no joke. I heard a plenty of stories about these magicians or whatnot. They wave their hands and spin their stones, shake their weird constructions that give out nice smells and terrible sounds and bring some weird kind of bliss. And later on people suffer from tremors, fevers, headaches, panic attacks, fits, cramps, nightmares...  My buddy's instructor, a huge man, healthy as fuck - his wife invited him such an 'energy manipulator'. He was out for a week with the highest fever he'd had in over thirty years, I shit you not! I came to see him with my buddy, and, I'll tell you what, this ox lying in bed pale and shaky was the weirdest fuckery. And for no reason at all!'

Bård was silent, shaken. Vegard pressed into him, his tremor violent and his skin cold.

'I told you,' he rustled.

Bård rubbed his back, trying to be reassuring.

'And what do I do?'

The 'pffff' that Bjarte made was loud.

'Could have thought earlier. Now nothing. Wait for it to pass. I don't know. Kiss it better. Blame Vegard for being sceptical - it's his fault - and make it worse. Eat. Sleep. Breathe. Whatever.'

'So is there basically nothing I can do?'

'No. It might pass by tomorrow morning or stay for a while. Wait, Bård. Tell Vegard he's a good boy and drew that upon you... can he hear me?'

Bård glanced to Vegard.

'Yeah.'

'Damn.'

There was a moment's silence, then Bjarte tried:

'I'm sorry, but it's true.'

With expressing feelings he was as clumsy as his older brothers.

'Don't bother,' Vegard dropped, and with his trembling voice he sounded like crying. Bård pressed him even closer and rubbed his back again. Bjarte sighed.

'Well, whatever. Hold on you guys. You're hopeless anyway. Tell Vegard we won't beat him very painfully. Take care.'

'G'bye,' Bård dropped. 'You too.'

And hung up.

'I'm sorry,' Vegard said softly. 'I shouldn't have been so rude. If I only knew...'

'It's alright,' Bård said firmly. 'You hear me? This dumbfuckery is absolutely ridiculous. If you're gonna blame yourself for this shit, then I don't know...'

Vegard sighed.

'Could've told me about your headache, though.'

Bård scoffed.

'What for? It wouldn't help anyone.'

'I know. But I prefer you telling me all that's bugging you. I'm used to it.'

And in this intonation Bård heard all the exhaustion of a big brother. And he felt tight in the chest.

' _I'm_ sorry,' he said, burying his nose in Vegard's shoulder.

'For what?'

'For being so dense.'

'Hm?'

'You had to ask for a hug. You know... it doesn't work when someone has to ask for... this kind of stuff. It... loses its purpose.'

Vegard gave a short laugh.

'You know what? I wouldn't ever be disappointed in you if you never reminded me to be.'

Bård frowned.

'...what?'

Vegard laughed and for a moment seemingly stopped trembling.

'If you didn't apologize now, I'd keep on thinking that you were just lost and didn't know what to do with me. I looked like I was having a heart attack, didn't I?'

'If not worse!'

'See? That's it,' Vegard was smiling. 'You're still not okay. And neither am I. Let it go, Bård. It feels equally good.'

'Uh?'

'Yes. Can you hold me as tight as you can? I think it's getting better, but I need you. Or have you forgotten how even to hug properly, my little disappointment?'

Bård sighed and pressed him closer, squeezing him in a tight embrace.

'Now you're just being shitty.'

'Am I not always?'

Vegard's arms were still shaking. Bård felt him with his entire body. He was a little warmer, but still stiff and trembling. All he needed was a proper hug - Bård remembered, cursing himself, that he had learned it when he was little from that very Vegard: a sincere hug was a cure for anything. Vegard's arms seemed to relieve even physical pain. Bård remembered in sweet shame how he, already much too old to cry, - about five years of age - always demanded Vegard kissed all the worst bruises, all the deep wounds. All because he knew it would help better than any medicine. Everything was better with Vegard.

_I know I'm not that, brother. I'm yours, and maybe even little - for you, I guess, I will always be little. But not a disappointment. Because this is what I least wanted to be, ever. Not for you. For anyone else - let it be. But not for my family, and especially for you. Because I love you._

The words jumbled and curled into a lump in his throat. His heart was ready to let go and his feelings were pushing at his larynx, but the words didn't work properly. Vegard was still trembling against him, ever so slightly, much warmer and softer - much more Vegard. Bård took a deep breath. If he didn't say it now, he wouldn't ever.

'Have you got your shit together?'

Vegard nodded, slowly letting go. Bård’s warm coat was still over his shoulders.

'Yes.' The smile sounded in his voice. 'Yes, much better now. How are you?'

Bård frowned, then touched his forehead and laughed in embarrassment.

'I forgot... I'm almost fine. I'll drive, no worries. You go to sleep.'

'The most important thing is that we all are alive and well,' Vegard said half-questioningly. 'All of us Ylvisåkers. You and I. Right?'

'Exactly right,' Bård nodded. 'C'mon, you need to sleep.'

He rose and offered Vegard his hand to help him. He didn't expect him to accept it, but Vegard gladly grasped at it and rose. And Bård couldn't resist holding his hand for a moment more before letting go.

'I don't wanna sleep in the backseat,' Vegard said with a little embarrassed smile.

'In the salon? Wanna stretch your legs?'

Vegard shook his head.

'No, on the contrary. Shotgun, do you mind?'

Bård scoffed.

'You joking? Your back's gonna hurt! And your ass even worse.'

Vegard sniffed in return.

'I'm gonna be okay, I'm used to it already. Just spare me this little pleasure.'

'More like little torture.'

'Okay, spare me this little torture.'

He climbed into the passenger's seat and leaned back, staring forward at the highway. They were way ahead of the crew's van, but as he cast a brief glance into the rear view mirror, he saw their van approaching. They beeped at them, stopping right beside, and the side window slid down.

'Hey!' the sound guy called from the front seat. 'Are you okay?'

Bård adjusted at the steering.

'Yeah,' he replied. ‘We needed a little… uh, fresh air, but we’re catching up. Is this alright?’

‘Yep,’ the sound guy nodded. ‘We’re running right in time, let’s go now.’

‘Going!’ Bård smiled, slammed the door close and started the engine. ‘Put yourself however you are comfortable,’ he reassured, not turning to Vegard. ‘Just please for fuck’s sake don’t put your feet in my face.’

‘Have I ever done that?’

‘You don’t remember a lot of your life, drunkard.’

Vegard giggled and put his hand over Bård’s on the gear shifter, pushing his fingers gently between his brother’s, and softly got a hold of the handle.

‘How about we go fast? As fast as you can, if you’re not afraid, as far as possible from… there?’

Bård glanced to Vegard and caught his smile. For a moment they were just gazing at each other, then Bård turned back to the road.

‘Do what you want,’ he said.

Vegard moved the handle slowly, remembering the way it worked in reverse.

‘Here, and… here. Your turn.’

He moved his hand softly up and down Bård’s in a gentle stroke and let go. Bård sped up and they both felt a little ticklish in their throats – that wonderful feeling that was like falling. His head still hurt terribly, but he wouldn’t tell Vegard. He would just be careful and remember for the future never to let his brother ever – _ever –_ ask for a hug. Ever.


End file.
